My Life? Part One

My life. Ha. I don't think that it ever has been my life. Ever since I was born something has been guiding my life. Hell, I shouldn't have even been born. No, that's not some self-pity bull, nor is it depression; it is simple fact. My mother was told that she could never have children. Then she got pregnant. I was an emergency c-section nine months later. As soon as I was out of the womb I had to be placed on life support because I could not breath. I got better.

             My first kiss was the neighbour girl when I was three. Ha. It's amazing what one remembers. Such small events that stick in the back of your mind, leaping forward when you least expect it.  Such small events that become a place of shelter, a place your mind dwells when it is hurt or worried. Life is filled with these small moments of tranquillity. We must savour these. I moved away from her, the neighbour girl, when I was four. I wouldn't see her for almost fourteen years. The memories I had of her stayed in the back of my mind all those years only to spring forward when we got back in touch. The mind remembers more than we know. We may remember the sting of a thorn, but the mind always remembers the smell of the rose. 

Thoughts on a warm day in November

God

creator of all

provider of all

you care for us

sinners

creatures most foul

you love us

you provide for us

we run away

you wait with open arms for our return

we fall away

you pick us up

undeserving, you love us

inconceivable was your sacrifice

to give one's own

for those not worthy

love so strong

wrongs are forgiven

dead are raised

love so strong

we do not deserve

yet still you give

forever faithful to the unfaithful

love that breaks through all barriers

love is your's

our love belongs to you

my love is...

Summer in November

summer's heart in winter's grasp

tables now turned

summer's lingering eye stave off winter's heat

the heat of cold

that freezes bones

rebuffed by the still smiling sun

couples joined by hand

adorn the street

while children and young-hearted play

the summer's heat warms even the most cold

gone

slowly

losing it

the will

the want

gone?

never there

a dream?

delusions

of self

self-lacking

self-less

mindless

following

without direction

stumbling in

orderly

mindless

self-less

directionless

gone.

seasons

Fall

colours dot the skies

colours carpet the earth

fall

beauty plays a deadly game with gravity

royalty falls

gold is trampled underfoot

life fades through beauty

beauty that is soon hidden by inevitable

which is beauty in itself

Late Summer

summer

months too late

heat during the cold

glee replaces depression

smiling faces everywhere

living rooms empty

backyards full

summer in fall

spring in summer

Joy fills the heart of the most cynical

eyes bright

people are open

beauty fills the air

summer in fall

lost

lost

the mind stumbles

wondering

am i here?

why

the mind is lost

this was once my home

now

it's not right

i am lost

seas

of tranquility awash with

doubts and wonderings

beguiled

lies tumble around

my soul is lost in a mire

Lost

Confused

Wrong

Missing

Joy

the mind is the mind

and we can do nothing

lost

in our own minds

forever

love

this was a poem that I had written for Easter, but never posted. Enjoy.

life and death come together

joy and despair are hand in hand

love and hate dance as lovers

everything has a pair

every pair has a strong half

death ends life

despair ends joy

hate ends love

but life has no end,

death no sting

through despair joy grows

stronger than before

love destroys hate

it breaks down all barriers set before it

love shines through the cloud of despair

love laughs at death's feeble attempts

love can blind us

love can heal us

love is all

love is nothing

without a cause

Easter answers all

the end... always said to mark the completion of a fairy tale, be it happy or not. it's an interesting phrase and completely closes up a story. it leaves questions, but answers them at the same time. it tells you that these characters' lives do not move on from the end of the story, nothing exciting happens to them ever again.

its coming to the end of the semester here and a lot of people are moving on. moving on to do new and exciting things with their lives. people i have come to love and care about will be leaving and i will probably never see some of these people ever again. it saddens me. we're at the end of our physical relationships (being able to spend time with each other in person), but with technology we can remain in contact, but relationships like that only last for so long until they are dead. all things come to an end, but they still continue.

it is the end of an era, but not the end of those involved. they will carry on. it is not the end.

late nights

It's odd... I am feeling very melancholy tonight, and I am not sure why. Perhaps its the fact that I am up at 2:30 writing a paper that is worth 25% of my mark and its due in about nine hours... somehow I doubt that though... this is usually when I write my papers. But still, for some reason, I am sad. Recently I wrote a research paper on my favourite poet, Pablo Neruda, and the way I am feeling right now reminds me so much of his poem "Tonight I Can Write the Saddest Lines" (which is also the poem that got me into poetry) so I am going to share it with you.

Tonight I Can Write the Saddest Lines

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, 'The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.


translated by W.S. Merwin

Hypothetical Situation

this was something we were asked to consider in one of my classes today. We had to think of what we would say if we got to meet a character from "Cleon" by Robert Browning.

I know that you feel lost. Like nothing you do will matter in the long run. That you will not be remembered after you die. That all your work, all your art will not matter past your death. You are looking for meaning in life but not finding it. Yet you just dismiss Christ's and Paul's teaching without even thinking about it. I dare you to go and read it. To think about the words they are saying; to realize what they are teaching. You might just be a little surprised.

Lies of Justification

Just one more time
until I stop
(maybe even forever)
but probably not.
Everyone does it
so what does it hurt?
Just one more time
it can’t hurt anyone.
The lies grow
the trust thins.
Just one more time
it won’t hurt.
the truth is gone
hope has fled.
Just one more time
there is no hurt.
friends are gone
lies remain.
Just one more time
It can’t hurt anymore than it does
Just one more time
I am hurt.

The small things

Today was a great day in many ways. In one way, Canada is back at the top of the Hockey world in both men's and women's! In another, I have learned a lot about... a lot. We had a time of deep and personal sharing in my dorm tonight, we confessed our shortcomings to each other, and how we mess up on a day-to-day basis. It was an amazing time and we all grew closer together in ways that I did not see coming. Some interesting topics came up through the course of the evening including the human propensity to focus on the small things in life and forget completely about the big picture, or just not realize the consequences that their actions could have. How taking a longer break than one planned to could drastically affect the rest of their day is astounding! Being a college student this procrastination can affect the rest the my life, especially if I get into a pattern of it. Ironically, I should be writing a paper right now... anyways.
The conclusion I have come to is this: don't forget the big picture, but at the same time keep the little things in focus too. You can't be working towards the future your entire life, because all lives end the same--in death. That sounded horribly bleak I know, but if that is what you do than what was the point of your life? You neglect relationships, hobbies, and yourself. So every once and awhile just step back and look around, the big picture is made up of a lot of little things.

The beginning

It's been awhile since I have done anything like this. It feels odd to be back on a blog site... I was doing this back when myspace was the place to be. I have moved on in my life since that time, and the world has moved past my forgotten words. But now i am back and the only question is: will I be heard?
To be completely honest, I do not know what form this blog will take, I have no set goals, no set purpose. But that just makes it more fun.
A few words about me now. I attend a well-known school in Canada (I am Canadian), and am planning on getting a Masters in Counseling Psychology. I am an unpublished author (other than the internet) and aspire to be well-known through my writing. I will not say my name because this sense of staying anonymous is exhilarating and will probably lead me to say thing that I normally wouldn't if someone I knew was reading this regularly.
Enough about me. There will be more time for self-discussion later on.

Since I started writing blogs about six years ago the world of blogging has changed. There are so many people on the internet with nothing to say and yet they say it anyway, in a pitiful attempt to gain glory and respect. How ironic is it that I bring this up in the same way? Many of my older blogs were jocular, but many were serious, and when I say serious I do not mean scathing. I simply mean that they were of a serious nature and that they should be taken thus. However I am not completely blameless in that regard, I did write a few scathing blogs, and I still will, but how often lays in the future.

I hope my aimless ramblings will not scare any readers off, but will instead intrigue them and make them come back for more.

Taranis